Thursday, July 12, 2007
In Memory
* I am writing this down because I never have before. After 12 years, my memory has faded and I really don't want to forget any more details. I want it documented for our family. I would also like to increase awareness of this very rare problem.* Twelve years ago today, I gave birth to a sweet little baby girl. We didn't know it at the time, but her life on this earth was to be very short lived. Here's the story: It was a Wednesday. I was at the beginning of my 37th week, and I hadn't felt her move much the day before. I couldn't really remember if I had felt her at all. I anxiously waited all day Wed. for her to make some sort of movement, and when, by evening,I still hadn't felt a thing, I called my doctor. He told me that he NEVER underestimates a mommy's instinct, and to come on in. I was admitted to the hospital and immediately hooked up to all the many necessary monitors. They were able to find her heart beat right away so all concern left me. They offered many reasons why she might not be moving, but said her heart beat showed that she was fine. They kept me in the hospital,though,because I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions and they wanted to monitor them--and they could also see that she wasn't moving. I had been on pre-term labor drugs for many weeks, but the contractions were still there. Around 11:00 that evening, my doctor came in to check on me--I guess he had been there to deliver a baby--they checked my vitals and the baby's and saw that her heart rate had either increased or decreased ( I can't remember now--I suppose it had decreased), and I remember the Dr. saying, "We've got to get that baby out now, she's in distress." That started a whirlwind of events--I mean to tell you that they did get her out fast. They prepped me for surgery and rolled me in before I even knew what was going on. I will never forget looking into B's eyes, seeing the fear--and love, and wanting him to stay with me--knowing he couldn't. He was all alone waiting to find out what was going to happen. I was completely sedated at her birth and had to rely on B for all the details after I woke up. He said that the first thing he saw after surgery was our pediatrician rushing out of the surgery room, carrying the baby, and yelling that he, "needed blood and he needed blood now". He has said that that was the worst moment of his life. He had no idea what was going on and no one told him for a while. And no one was there with him. It was a long time before I was "conscious" and B was able to tell me that our daughter was very sick. The doctor had told them that our little Kassidy had been born with very little blood due to a rare problem called Fetal Maternal Hemorrhage. B said that he knew that I didn't truly grasp how sick she was--and I didn't. I never dreamed for ONE MINUTE that she wouldn't make it--never crossed my mind. Even after B told me she had a 50/50 chance (that was a very generous percentage, by the way) to live, I wasn't worried. (To be continued)

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  posted at 4:17 PM  

At July 12, 2007 7:09 PM, Blogger Mandalyn said...

Jenna~I can't even imagine what you went through. In all the years I've known you, I've never heard what actually happened. Honestly, I didn't want to ask wondering if was still too painful to talk about. Thank you for sharing the story. I'm glad your family will have this also!!

Love you lots!

At July 12, 2007 7:16 PM, Blogger Laura said...

It's so brave of you to share this story with us. Thank you for permitting us to enter with you into these precious and difficult memories.

At July 12, 2007 8:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jenna, that is so heartbreaking. My mom gave birth and lost a baby before I was born. I remember when I had my first that I couldn't even imagine the pain my parents must have experienced. I think it is wonderful that you are sharing the story, and I will say a prayer for you as you deal with the feelings and emotions that go with it.

At July 12, 2007 9:26 PM, Blogger Sonya said...

I've never even heard of this. Thank you for sharing this as I'm sure it is very difficult for you. We have been unable to conceive for the past 3 1/2 years but I can't even imagine what it would be like to carry my baby that whole time only for him or her to die. It would be a tough, tough thing for me to deal with as I desperately wait for more children to be born to us.

At July 12, 2007 9:40 PM, Blogger Coach J said...

I'm with Mandalyn. Other people have told me their version, or what they remember, but nobody has ever told me the name of her condition. I'm glad you're sharing your memories of Kassidy. I'll certainly be praying for you as you go down this road. I love you! You are one strong woman.

At July 13, 2007 6:16 AM, Blogger Renee's Ramblings said...

I have just found your blog a few days ago. Thank you for sharing your memories of Kassidy with us. It's heart breaking and I can't imagine all that you are going through then and now. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

At July 13, 2007 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Jenna! How heart breaking. You are so brave to share this story. But it is great that you are putting it down for your family. I am so sorry you went through that. When I was pregnant the second time I went for the visit to find out the sex of the baby. I think it was 20 weeks. At that visit they did not find the baby's heart beat. I discovered that I had miscarried her sometime in the four weeks between that appointment and the one before. It was a girl and she had Turners Syndrome. It was the worst thing I ever experienced in my life knowing that baby would never come home with me. Although I am sure it does not come close to the pain of losing one that has already been born. I admire your strength. I don't know if I could write it all on my blog.

Love ya!

At July 13, 2007 10:38 AM, Blogger annie said...

I'm so sorry.
♥ & prayers for your heart to continue to heal.
love you!

At July 13, 2007 11:15 AM, Blogger gail@more than a song said...

Thanks for sharing this did a great job getting it written down. It's such a hard thing to go through and I can't imagine it. I lost one in the middle of my kids but wasn't quite as far along as you, maybe half way through.


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