Friday, July 13, 2007
In Memory Part 2
My pregnancy with Kassidy had been a complete placenta previa pregnancy. I had known from the beginning that I would be having a C-section. A natural birth was impossible, and could have killed me and the baby. I never had any bleeding during the pregnancy, and I was never truly concerned. I wasn't overly happy about having to have a C-section, but I was thankful to be living in a time when it was possible. A hundred years ago, women died from placenta previa hemorrhaging. I never dreamed that it was linked with something so very horrible. It was years after her birth before I even knew the placenta previa was probably connected to her death. At some point in my pregnancy there had been an injury to the placenta, at least, I was told that. The veins and arteries connecting the two of us together had crossed somehow, and were not working properly. It is exactly the same as twin/twin transfusion syndrome, only it was happening between the two of us--fetal-maternal hemorrhage (FMH). It was basically like bleeding to death inside the womb. All the blood in her body was being pumped into mine. She wasn't getting very much at all. The medical community believes it is the cause of many stillbirths. As a matter of fact, mine and Kassidy's records say "stillbirth".
Anyway, we made it through the night, and early that morning B asked if I wanted to wheel down to the nursery and see her. I wasn't really feeling myself, and honestly don't remember wanting to, but I did. I knew I would have plenty of time for that. I think B tried to prepare me for what I was going to see, but I don't think it was possible. He had already spent some time with her. The moment I saw her, I finally grasped that my daughter really was seriously ill--deathly ill. The nurses had been manually pumping her heart since her birth using their index fingers--keeping her alive. She never breathed one breath on her own--except her last. In spite of the tubes everywhere and the iodine stains, I thought she was beautiful. She was going to look like her daddy--just like our oldest did. I didn't stay long--couldn't. You would think that I wouldn't be able to leave her side, but I did. At that point, we were still hoping. A team was on its way from Jackson MS, and they were planning to transport her there. When the team arrived, they said, "You've brought us here for nothing. There's nothing we can do. She can't be saved." Her liver had burst, and her heart had obviously failed. She was worn out. We let her go. I will not ever forget that day, July 13th, 1995. We had spent 12 hours with our little girl--the only twelve hours we would ever get in this life. A most precious 12 hours. She died at 1130am.
I will not forget the way my husband cried on our pastor's shoulder--great tears of sorrow. I will not forget my inability to cry. I will not forget having to tell B's mom that Kassidy had passed away. She had been traveling for hours to get to us and didn't have a clue that Kassidy had passed away. I will not forget the great out- pouring of love from our friends and family. The military and our church family ( even our former churches) were also a huge help to us during that time. I will not forget that B's grandparents bought her a grave site, and as a gift bought the two next to it for B and me. I will not forget that B's brother calls to talk to me most years on this day and never says why--but I know. I will not forget what it felt like to have her inside me, kicking and moving around. Mostly, I will not forget that God is sovereign. I don't have to know the reason why our little girl died, I trust that He knows why. He has a perfect plan. That is truly enough for me. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Labels: Family
18 Comments:
Jenna~My heart is broken for you and B. as I'm reading this. And the way you end it by saying the Lord is Sovereign...WOW! Although I know He is, how hard to say that after losing your baby girl!
I'm so proud of you! I've seen a whole other side of you through telling this story! You are so strong, but I'm so sorry that you had to go through this! Thank you again for sharing!
I love you, my wonderful friend!
Yes, blessed be the name of the Lord.
I'm so sad for y'all. I love that your husbands brother calls you on that day to talk.
I don't remember the name of something I had with the birth of my 3rd child, a daughter, but after it was over the dr. kept telling my husband how lucky we were that she had lived and not bled to death in the womb. It's sorta a special story to us that maybe I should write about sometime or maybe I'll email you.
I'm just weeping. Thank you for sharing your precious story.
Amen, blessed be His name!
Thanks for finishing this story.
I'm so glad that you had people to love you and support you during that time & more than anything, happy to hear you praise God above all.
My heart is breaking for you as I read this with tears rolling down my face.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Jenna~
I read the first half when you posted it and had a huge lump in my throat. Part 2 has left me completely in tears. I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to say what my heart is feeling ... I just can't find the words. My heart breaks for you.
I have to say how sweet that B's brother calls you on that day each year. What a special man with a huge heart.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Jenna.
Jenna, that was one of the saddest but also most beautiful posts I have ever read. I am praying for you today. Thank you so much for sharing your and Kassidy's story.
I'm at a loss for words...What a testimony!
I cannot imagine how difficult this was to live through the first time. And then to share it with us. But bless you for allowing us to sit with you and listen. Wish my arm could reach all the way to give you a hug.
Peace,
Julie
Oh Jenna! I was in tears by the time I finished part 2! What an emotional journey this must have been for you to write it all down and share it with "us". I think I lost it when you said Bs grandparents bought her gravesite and then the 2 next to it for you and B...oh and how his brother usually calls you on this date. I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm sorry for your loss, even though it was 12 yrs ago. Thank you for sharing your story and remembering Kassidy.
I cannot imagine your grief. You are in my prayers today. Thank you for your example of faith in God and the realization that He is in control. May He comfort you today.
Jenna~ I am so sorry for your lose. You are a strong woman with great faith. My sister had a son born with Potters syndrome-she had little or no amneotic fluid.(not sure of all the details-he looked fine-had blood on his brain-born early) He lived on life support about 3 or 4 days. It was a sad time for our family, too. Your strenght is very encouraging.
I'm so sorry I'm reading this late. I saw the opening post and just couldn't bring myself to read it until I could devote my true time, energy and strength to you. My heart breaks. I've lost both my parents, but I know that pain has to be different than losing a child. Thank you for sharing with us.
Your testimony is beautiful, Jenna. Thank you for sharing and for giving glory to God in the midst of the pain.
Thank you for sharing this story. I love that you want to document it for your family...because it is ultimately a testimony of your trust in the Lord and of His healing power in your life and in the life of your family.
What a testimony. I was so saddened by your story. I know how difficult that time must have been. I know it's something you never get over. But you are right. God is sovereign and He has a plan in it all. It is so wonderful that you praise Him in spite of such a terrible tragedy.
I have no words. Tears, I have; but no words. I know you are healed, because I see it. And I know you walked this road to help others deal with losing a child. I'm so glad you had family and friends all around you. I'll agree with you: God is sovereign. He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about this loss. I know it's been a while now, but I can't imagine it is something you could ever forget or would ever want to. It can be so incredibly difficult to live in this world full of pain and needless suffering. I can't wait to meet you in heaven and give your little one a hug.
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